FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza