day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.