Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Denise please return my vape pen
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me