Bit chilly again tonight.
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he