A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first