At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
ATMs should have breathalyzers
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: