Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
You are what you delete.