If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
wtf is an acronym
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.