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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
What about second breakfast?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Today’s weather from Yorkshire