I weigh at least 17 squirrels
You Might Also Like
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
peep davidson
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store