go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me and the Superbowl rn
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.