*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.