Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
respect
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.