My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
5 ways to appear taller
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
😩😩😩
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift