“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent