me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
You Might Also Like
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December