“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.