Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Tony Hawk, age 6
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig