Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.