How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Good morning y’all ☀️
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die