Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
the best thing i’ve ever made
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating