Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My neck, my back, my…
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS