ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.