If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
How funny!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”