[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Dolls on drugs
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs