Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
crazy
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam