I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
what my late-night hot pocket sees