My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.