my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.