new shirt idea
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT