Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
#Thanos #MondayMood