It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain