Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**