WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Weighing up my bread heating options
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: how are you
Friday: good
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
A little too much information.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.