When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee