When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
You Might Also Like
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing