[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Hamburger Hinderer.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?