Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
You Might Also Like
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here鈥檚 choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can鈥檛 even trust myself anymore.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 馃槓
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*