Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?