If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
December birthdays be like…
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.