Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.