Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.