Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
This is enough internet for the day.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?