The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.