When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
gm