There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
fair