[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
went fishing caught a bass
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.