The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?