Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.