My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care